Letting Go and Letting God

What do you usually do when you start missing someone? A person so dear to you, who, no matter what you do, is never coming back? What do you do to lessen the pain that missing them so much has inflicted on you? Do you have enough courage and strength in you to face each and every painful pinch it does to your heart every time that person crosses your mind?

What do you do when tears start welling up and all you feel in your heart are sadness, regrets, and longing to be with them, but you know so well you are so helpless to even do something about them? Do you just shrug those thoughts off your head hoping it'll ameliorate how you truly feel inside?

Since the incident happened, I never had the courage to sit there and share about what my family has just gone through almost three months ago. I dreaded the thought of writing something that would remind me of that very sad and lowest part of our lives - and has been the saddest one that I've experienced so far in my entire being.

Every time I'd sat there and began writing about it, tears would pile up in the corners of my eyes, and the last thing I knew, crying has already prevailed over me. It was so hard to tough out that emotion - it felt so heavy inside of me that I just fell right there, to my lowest of the low and cried my heart out. I was too weak compared to the strength it has that's been gaining control over me.

Today, I just felt the strength and courage to finally let it out, let it go, and let God take in full control of everything.

March 9, 2009 - a date that forever has changed our lives.

Our dearest Grandfather, Ezekiel - the Greatest and the Best Grandpa in the whole world - went home to our Heavenly Father. We lovingly call him, Papi. He suffered from Pneumonia for two weeks before his body finally gave in to it. He fought so hard against it, I know too well, to still be able to be with us, but when it's time, it is time. He stayed in the hospital for almost four days before he passed away.

Although, when he started getting sick, the older ones in our family had already somewhat told us to prepare ourselves in case something happens to Papi, I just knew in my heart that nothing can ever really prepare us for something as hard as this one to accept, as much as it is so hard to prevent it from happening. I was more of slipping into "I-am-scared-of-losing-him" rather than priming myself to the possibility of it really happening. I didn't want him to go!! I know all of us will soon face the same fate, but I wasn't ready to let him go - not at that time. Being pregnant with John and my first baby, all I ever wanted was for both of them [Grandpa and Grandma] to be able to see even at least our first child, together. Play with him, cuddle him, tell stories to him, and have a photo of him in between them. I wanted our child to feel how much love and care they both are capable of sharing and giving. I wanted our son to somehow have wonderful memories of them that he can pass on to his younger siblings someday. My Grandfather, no doubt, would have been so happy to hold his first ever half American, half Filipino grandchild - the first in our family.

So much I wanted to have us all share and experience together, but now, they'll just forever be sweet hopes and longings that I'll cherish in my heart - as much as I will cherish the memories of my dearest Papi...

He's always in my thoughts, in my heart - in everything that I am now. And I know, even if he's no longer with us physically, everything that he has taught us, the kind of life that he lived, will continue to inspire us and light our paths so we may see as well the kind of love, peace, and beauty he has seen and experienced during his days. Nothing can ever compare to how much he has loved us and how great of a Father, Grandfather, and Great Grandfather he has been.

Just no words to ever delineate him!!

To be continued...