Half Day Off from My Boys

Yesterday, my husband decided to take the boys with him to work.  He said he wanted take them outside, and I think he did that, too because he wanted me to have more time alone.  He probably could have taken all 3 kids if only he can manage all 3 of them all by himself.  I couldn't thank him enough for doing what he did.  I did get some time because all I had to take care of was our little girl.  My boys were gone the netire afternoon.  They came home at around 8:30 last night.  My husband said, the boys had a blast!  He let them play in his office, took them to the Navy Exchange, let them walk around base, and they even went to get the car washed before heading home.  The funny thing was, when they got home, my husband came to me and said, "You probably won't like what I have to tell you."  In the back of my head I was like, "Oh, now what!?"

He told me that he let the boys play with dry-erase markers, and they've marked their pants and coats.  He said, they even wrote on his couch.  Well, not a really good thing because today, when I did their laundry, I had to hand wash their pants and coats first with marks on them before throwing them in the washer.  I had to make sure the stains were gone.  But while I was washing their clothes, I was smiling.  With everything that my husband told me about, I know my boys had a fun day just the three of them.  They needed that - Father and Sons' Day Out.

Anyway, yesterday, at first, I tried taking a nap a few minutes after they left.  I wanted to catch up on some sleep because I haven't had any decent amount of it since the day I found out my Nana passed away.  But it's been tough!  Every time I am alone and in a quiet room, I break down.  I cry all the time.  I couldn't help it.  It's even harder for me right now because I cannot make it home to see her even just for the last time.  Tickets are ridiculously expensive!  There's no way we can afford it right now if I want to make it home in time for her burial.  Every time I think about it, my heart dies a little  inside me.  I want to go home so badly, but I can't!

That's what I've been thinking a lot about yesterday.  If only I can make it home...

My husband is more than willing to let me go home, if only we have the money to cover all of the expenses.  He said, if we only have the money, I can go home any day I want now.  He will take care of the rest as far as the kids are concerned.  There's no way I can even take at least one of our children with me.  With how sudden things happened, we had no time to prepare for the stuff they will need (e.g. passport and kids' stuff).  Passport alone can take weeks.  So, even if we really had the money, I'm the only one who can make it home.

My "Mama time" was spent mostly updating my blog.  I had to keep myself busy, or else, I would have cried my eyes out the entire day.  Not to mention that yesterday was my mother's birthday, too.  I can only imagine how tough it was on her having to go through it and mourning over Nana's death at the same time.  I'm sure it wasn't a happy birthday at all.  I talked to Mama yesterday, but because they were on their way home from picking up Papa from the airport, we didn't get to talk that much.  I waited for almost 4 hours to call her back.  And when I did, I got to talk to our cousin for a little bit.  They were so busy there, so we only talked for a couple of minutes.  It hurts to reminisce every single thing about our Grandma, but I guess we all need to go through that as part of the healing process.  Yeah, right!  Healing process.  It made me chuckle just now.  What healing process are you talking about?  Apparently, I know nothing about it.  Because I know in my heart, the wound that's been left from our Grandparents death, no healing process can ever take away its pain.  Papi passed away 3 years ago, and it still hurts just as much as that day we found out he was gone.  I don't think it'll ever heal.  I guess we just learn how to deal with it as the days, months, and years go by.

I wish I can go home........ I want to see Nana!

Because of all this, I find it hard to focus on anything.  I wanted to write posts yesterday, but I couldn't even begin writing a single word.  The entire time, I was editing this blog while my daughter was asleep.  Every time I stopped, I found myself crying.

Oh, it's tough!  I just want things to be all right.  I just want to hear Nana's voice right now just like how it sounded when we talked on the phone last week.  She was so happy!  Her voice, though tired, sounded so sweet and always comforting.  Never have we thought she'd left this early.  She was fine.  Yes, she was.  Just a few days after that, she left.  She left, and she's never coming back!