A Haunting Truth

Last night, while my husband and I were exchanging e-mails, something suddenly popped into my head that reminded me of a past that still haunts me up to these days. I don't know but I just can't seem to let go of it completely though I know it does nothing but hurt my feelings every time I think of it. I am not the typical kind of person who would hold back on something that's better off letting go, but that incident has brought me fear. Letting go of something that has caused you so much pain is not as easy as I thought. One moment you think you have let it go, the other, it's otherwise. You're not only trying to let go of it, but at the same time during the process, you're freeing yourself as well from other possible reasons that might lead you to the same issue again and again. You are left with so many questions you have no answers to and the more you ask yourself, the more it hurts you. You want to find out the whole truth, but at the same time, you're scared to know about it. You fight so hard to win your ground though deep inside you, you know you're going to lose the battle. Because how could you win, when you are battling against yourself?

Sometimes I wish I never found out about that truth if only I knew it would change a lot of things, especially within me. But if I haven't found out, right now, I'd be unaware that I have been believing in something that was actually built on lies. I would have not warned myself of the possibility that it might happen again. I could not have prepared myself. It hurts me as much as I don't want to care about it, every time its thoughts cross my mind. I just couldn't seem to find the right answers on how it happened and why that person did something so hurtful like that. But what hurts even more is, I can never trust that person the same way I did before. If it happens, it surely is going to take time.