Request Denied

Odd as it may sound, but today I never felt like checking my e-mails. For the first time in the history of my life, I never wanted to read any e-mail from everybody, especially those from my husband.

When I woke up this morning, I knew right away that today was going to be a bad day for me. I had that feeling and I was right about it. I did my best to ignore the clamor of different thoughts tarrying inside my head, but I got discomfited. Slowly, it pulled me down till I broke to my knees and had no more strength to lift myself back up.

Fighting the urge to read e-mails, I still somehow managed to open and read one. And just as I expected it would be, it wasn't the kind of e-mail I was so looking forward to reading on a day as lousy as what I already was experiencing. At the last thought, I still wished I never gave in to that diminutive voice telling me awhile ago to do so. No more turning back the time now. I am here, crying and wishing I never read that e-mail. I wouldn't be feeling this way right now if I haven't done what I did. No, I shouldn't be feeling this way...

My husband said in his e-mail that now, it looks like they're not only going to not approve his 30-day leave request, they're even deducting seven [7] days from the hopefully twenty eight days that we thought they'll grant him. So now, it is more likely that he'll only be getting twenty one days of leave from the first 30 that he'd been working his best on.

I don't know what else to say. I don't even know how long I can last on dealing with this right now with a lot of other stuff troubling me at the same time and not having anybody with me here to turn to. I feel like I am so alone in this battle and I have nothing, nobody but myself to fight it with. I feel like I'm watching all of what I've been planning on doing when he gets here, fall right in front of me and as much as I want to do something to impede it from completely crashing down, I am left so helpless. I want him so much to stay longer. He's always been away from me. Don't I deserve to have him with me even just for a month? I'm not even sure now if we will get to celebrate our first wedding anniversary together if that would be the case. And my once colorful plans on what we will be doing together when he gets here are slowly turning to gray. The heck, I no longer even know what to reply to my husband's e-mail. I don't know what to say to him or how I'd convey my feelings and thoughts about this matter. I am clueless. All I know right now is, I'm so over this one. They can do whatever they want with that leave request. They fight and risk their lives, enduring times they need to be away from their love ones because they have important jobs to do, but still they can't spend as much time as they want to be with their families? If that's not the term for that, then what is it? If I am wrong about this, then I'd be more glad to be enlightened with the truth. Because the way I am seeing this from my end is that, it doesn't look fair, not at all.

I can only hope that some things don't have to work that way.