Am I Grieving Right?

Exactly a month ago, I received one of the most devastating news ever, our dearest Grandma passed away due to aneurysm of heart.  I can barely recall what was said when I made that call to my Mama and she told me the sad news.  All I could remember is, I broke down in tears.  I cried hysterically.  I felt I was so lost.  I couldn't think straight, I didn't know what to do.  I even called my husband's boss at work to help me get a hold of him because I didn't have his work number at the time (he got moved to a different building, and I kept forgetting to write down his new work number).  I remember his boss asking me if everything was all right because I'm sure he didn't understand anything I was trying to say.  He thought something came up between me and my husband.  When I told him what happened, he immediately said that he will make sure to get a hold of him and call me right away.

As crazy as it may sound, but I just started remembering almost everything that was said over the phone that day.  I remember telling my Mother to stay beside Nana and never leave her, and see if she still wakes up.  I told her not to let anybody touch her because she might just come back.  I even talked to my Aunt and asked her to try waking her up.  It was as if I was losing my sanity.  I was in shock, in so much pain, and in great denial because I just spoke to Nana over the phone the week before she passed away.  I didn't want to believe she died.  I even pinched myself so hard with the hope and thought that I'd wake up from a nightmare.  I didn't know what to do at that moment.  I hated the distance and every reason there was for me not being able to be right beside her at that time.  It even killed me more inside knowing that there was no way I could go home and be with her even for the last time.  My husband and I did our best to see if there was any way he can send me home.  But because it happened two weeks before Christmas, tickets were ridiculously expensive.  Not to mention our kids and the fact that we didn't have anybody who will watch them while I'm gone.  It was so tough!  I think maybe that's one reason that's eating me up inside - I didn't get to even attend her funeral.  Although, my  family kept telling me that it's all right, that Nana would understand, I still wish I could've made it.

“We bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world- the company of those who have known suffering. When it seems that our sorrows are too great to be borne, let us think of the great family of the heavy hearted into which our grieving has given us entrance, and inevitably we feel about us their arms, their sympathy, their understanding.” ~ Helen Keller   

My cousin, sister, and I would talk about how much we miss both our Grandparents now.  We pour out our emotions and we let ourselves cry if we have to.  I still cry a lot.  In fact, today, I cried my heart out again.  I don't know if it's a good way of dealing with grief and loss, but I still keep on looking at their photos - our photos, and even the video that my sister made for Nana's funeral, I played it on YouTube over and over and over again.  I still cannot feel that they both are actually gone.  It's like, for me, they just went for a vacation.  I still act as if they never left for good.  Until now, I still haven't seen any photos of my Grandma inside the casket.  I didn't want to see her lifeless body laying in it.  I just want to remember her the way she looked like on that day I left to come to the US.  I want to still be able to close my eyes and see her happy face.  That's all I want to remember of her.

My way of grieving may be wrong or right, but as far as I'm concerned, my way right now is helping me.  I really don't know what's the exact way of grieving and dealing with loss, so I am just going with what's making me feel better at this time.  I have said this time and time again, that I don't know when I'll be able to accept the fact that Papi and Nana are gone now.  I don't know when I'm going to be able to finally let go.  I cannot even begin to think how I'm going to handle the thought of me not seeing them anymore when I go home.  I got so used to being welcomed home by them, with arms wide open, and with the warmest smiles on their faces.  I do miss the sound of my name every time they said it on the phone.

God, I miss them terribly! :(

I wish there is such thing as a Genie in a bottle.  I know that they're not capable of bringing back life, but I think a Genie can grant my wish of taking me back to when I was still younger, with both of them still alive.  Even just for a single day.  I just want to be able to hold them in my arms again and hear the sound of their voice. 

I wish Genie was real...

If only for today, I'd get to hear their voice... even just for the last time....