Re-entry Permit or Citizenship?

Due to me not being a US Citizen yet, I am required to apply for a re-entry permit before leaving the US for me to be able to come back without any problems.  The permit costs $445 and is valid for two years only, and then, I'll have to apply again for another one because we'll be living overseas for three years.  If we end up choosing this option, applying twice will cost us $890 in the end.  Whereas, the fee for applying for citizenship will only cost $680.  That's way cheaper!  My only concern now is, I honestly don't think I'm that ready yet to give up my Filipino citizenship.

I have heard that I can apply for dual citizen later on, if I want to.  I really haven't read about that yet, but if in case I can, I probably will give it a shot.  I kind of want to try it now, but because we have limited time, I don't know if we'll be able to get the whole process done before we transfer.   I just don't feel like dealing with a lot of things right now.  I think we pretty much have enough going on already.

I already talked to my husband about this issue.  He also asked me to read more about applying for dual citizen because as far as we know, once I give up my Filipino citizenship, I will lose all my rights to like buy properties back home.  As a matter of fact, I have a land that is under my name, and if I'm no longer a Filipino citizen, I'm afraid I might not be able to do anything with it anymore.  But like said, I really don't know a lot about what I'll lose as far as my rights being a Filipino, if I changed my citizenship to US.  

While others feel so excited about becoming an American citizen, call me a hypocrite, but I am not.  It's not that I don't want to.  I love the US!  It's my second home now and my husband is in the military.  But, I love being a Filipino, first and foremost.  I guess I'm just not that ready yet.  But of course, for my family, I would do anything.

If getting the re-entry permit didn't have to cost that much, I'd probably would go for it.  And, if changing citizenship didn't mean I have to lose my rights being a Filipino, I'd choose that in a heartbeat.

So, you see my dilemma here?  I am confused as well...(sigh)

It CAN Be Tough.. But, I'll Always Be a Proud Navy Wife!

Navy wife, or being a wife of someone who's in the military, is not a very easy job. Unless you're in our shoes, you'll never ever understand what that truly means.  We're the ones who are in constant training as well, day in and day out.  We're always training and working on things to be better spouses, a mother, and at the same time, a father to our children when our husbands are away.  We're the ones who worry a lot about things that not everybody can relate to, thus, making it harder for us to reach out anytime we want.  We go through things that others may find "normal', but behind closed doors, our hearts are crying, praying that for every minute, every second of every day that our love ones are away from us, God will continue to watch over them, and bring them back home to us - safe and sound.  We are the ones whose husbands or wives are away for months, not on a business trip, but to go behind enemy lines, and who knows what else they really go through when they're out there.  We have to deal with that, but at the same time, we need to stay strong for the ones who rely on us the most - our children.  We worry with every beat of our hearts for the ones who might not even make it home and wish they're next to us instead, and yet, some people complain why they're stuck with their partners and wish they could be away from each other for some time.  You'll never know how it's like to be really "away" from the person you love, unless you know the fact that if they leave, you might not see them again.

I've been warned.  I've always known that once I married someone who's in the military, my life will never be the same.  The life I chose will never be like those wives who married a businessman, a Doctor, a Teacher, or those whose jobs don't require them to be away from their families for too long.  Or, at least won't send them to areas where what you carry around you are weapons, vest, and anything that will help you stay alive.  I knew it's never going to be easy even as the years go by.  As long as my husband's in the military, I will never stop being almost like him.  And I will never stop supporting him!

Last night, my husband and I had a talk.  He's already up for new orders and he's been trying to choose where to go next.  He's got a lot on his plate right now, and I could tell by the looks in his eyes how stressed out he is.  I asked him what I could do to help, but in all honesty, he told me that for now, there's really nothing I could do but, be there for him.  And I understood that.  I just wish I can do more than just being there for him.  But we both know that it's something he needs to deal on his own right now.  Once he chose an order and got it, then, that's the only time I can start pitching in.  Right now, I have been constantly praying to God to give him the wisdom he needs in choosing the right orders for him.  An opportunity that will help better his career and our family at the same time.  I strongly believe that with God, nothing is impossible!  And He will grant the desires of our hearts if we just have faith in Him and keep on trusting His mighty plans for us.  Nobody knows best than the One who created us.

Anxious and Excited

Khaki Ball (Navy Ball) will be the very first ball I'll be attending in my whole 26 years of existence.

GT: Because I Stand Proud Among the Crowd

The rule did say, "..that one true love, the one that stands out in the racks." Well, here's a piece of clothing I own that does stand out in the rack.

This photo shows the very first Navy shirt I got from my husband since we've been together. It's a Naval SpecWar (Special Warfare) shirt and he got that for me as a gift. Why is it special? It's so special to me because being a Navy wife, every time I have it on, it gives me that special pride in my heart knowing that I play a huge part in my husband's life by supporting him and backing him up knowing the type of job that he does. It gives me the feeling of joy that I am able to help him serve his beloved country by being the wife he needs me to be.

Trust me, our life is no ordinary, but everything that came along with marrying a man in the military is all worth it!

I am not so into fashion. There are so much more important things for me to worry about than getting a designer piece of clothing. I wear whatever I feel comfortable in. But if there's something I own that I'd love to flaunt, it would be anything that would tell the whole world, I am and forever will be, a Navy Wife!

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Off to Fiesta Island on The 4th of July

Just taking this short time to post something on here. My husband and our friends, Kimo and Chanhthy (a couple) just went out to grab some food and drinks at Albertsons that we'll be taking with us to Fiesta Island. My husband let me stay here at home because he didn't want me to walk around and tire myself especially that, for sure, we'll be having a long and tiresome day today. They won't be gone that long anyway, so I'm fine with that.

This is my first ever 4th of July (Independence Day) here in the US and I've been looking forward to this. We may not be able to take a lot of photos, but we'll do our best to at least take some that we could post and show to our family back home in the Philippines. I'm not saying that there's no way we could not take a lot of photos when we have all the time to do so. It's just that, we spend most of our time more with friends, talking to them and sharing stories and jokes. Taking photos comes next.

Anyway, we started our day greeting each other "Happy 4th of July, Mahal" with matching hugs and kisses and hmmm...[hahaha] I feel so proud and happy being able to spend this day with my husband. Him being in the military just gives this day a more special and deeper meaning to me. This day, for me, is dedicated to those who had risked their lives and to those who are still out there fighting for the freedom that we're experiencing right now. They deserve all the honor and as a military wife, I just want to say "Thank you to all the soldiers out there for fighting for our freedom. I am so proud of you as I am proud of being married to a Military Man!!"

God Bless The USA!! And may God continue to bless and keep our men out there safe until their back home in their love ones arms.

"A BLESSED AND HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY TO YOU ALL!!"

Saturday Thoughts

For this whole weekend, my husband will be in a camp somewhere up north California. It's part of their training for their upcoming deployment. I'm kind of worried about him because he still isn't feeling completely fine. But he had to go. I just pray that he will be all right the whole time he is there.

I still am a bit unhappy about this upcoming deployment. But we both know that things happen for a reason. We both had prayed to God about this - if whether he'll be deployed or not - that whatever His plans are, so let them be. We know they're sent for our own good. And now, we're starting to see the bright side of this. And this reason, somehow is what makes this whole thing a little lighter to bear for me now. We know now why God let this happen - for our future :)

Though I know this one is yet another obstacle that we both must trounce, we know everything will work out fine. There's a lot of things we need to really start working on now - a lot of them we need to accomplish. I made it through my first deployment and that was a tough one. So, who said I can't make it through this time?! ;)

Another Deployment!!

When my husband first told me over the phone that there's a possibility that he might get deployed again this coming March, for I don't know how long, my heart stopped beating. I went completely silent then burst out crying. I was in Samar at the time. I didn't know what to say or what to do. I was like, he just got back and they're sending him away again? I thought it just wasn't fair. I felt so devastated and that all our plans would end up crashing on me any moment. We already made plans for this year and we both are so looking forward to making each of them happen. But with this impending deployment news, I admit, I almost gave it all up. I was worried I might not get through this one since I'd just gone through our first deployment and it wasn't easy. Although he didn't confirm yet if he'll be sent or not, another deployment?! -- I don't think so.

That was my first reaction and how I handled the situation. I know I was totally wrong. I think nobody would have expected me to react the other way around.

That night before I went to bed, I sat and prayed to God. I asked for guidance and help to get us through this, especially my husband. That if this is His will, let it be done. We both know God won't allow something to happen if it isn't for our own good. If they ever send him to go on deployment, I prayed that God would sustain me more strength, not just for myself alone but for the both of us. This will be tough once again, but after I prayed, I felt a different kind of comfort engulfing me. I knew then that it was Him letting me know that He's got everything taken care of and that I don't have anything to worry about.

Today, my husband confirmed that it's definitely a "go". In March, he'll be deploying again - for the second time within a year. I can't be specific as to where he'll be stationed at, but he assured me that this deployment isn't going to be like the first one; that he'll be doing a completely different kind of job this time. I didn't say much. I just said OK. But deep inside me, I was praying that he was telling me the truth. That he didn't just say what he did just so I won't have to get too worried about him while he is out there. I was half crossing my fingers that moment he was talking on the phone about this matter. I could only hope and pray. The past deployment hasn't been easy for the both of us, especially for me because it was my very first one. I know I should be a lot stronger now because somehow I already have an experience as how to handle or survive a deployment. But it didn't work that way for me - at least not right away. I just couldn't take in that my husband would be leaving again when he just barely got back. I can only imagine the hassles he's about to deal with again making sure everything is taken care of - from his dogs down to all the things he just started getting out of the storage. Good thing somehow is that he's staying right now at his friend's house. He doesn't have a lot of things to pack compared to last year. He had to move all his things out of his apartment to the storage basically doing almost all the work by himself. I feel sad that I am not there to help him in times like this :( I know how much he needs me. If only I am with him...

To be honest with you, I did cry today when I found out he really is going. A lot of emotions ensnared me. But the one that really made me cry a lot was the possibility that we might not be able to see each other before he leaves!! I don't think I'll ever take that. I mean, we hardly are together. All I want is to even spend a couple of days with my husband before he gets deployed. I don't think that's too much to ask and hope for. But I know things in the military don't always work that way. That's one bitter truth I have to start accepting now. It's too hard to tell you in all honesty!! But because I love my husband and what he does, I am willing to endure everything for him. I am just here for him no matter what. No matter how hard things turn out to be, I always want him to know that he's got a wife here who will always back him up and will always love him no less than how much I do now. I don't think I ever need to make promises to my husband when it comes to life in the military. For me, doing things for him especially when it comes to his job is more of a commitment I willingly and lovingly put myself into when I decided to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. It's such an honor to be a military wife! This is a tough, tough job. But to even think that I'd trade this for something else in this world - that is the very last thing I would do!!

Mahal, I know it disheartened you when I cried on the phone today. But still I want to thank you for giving me that time to let out my emotions. For understanding how I felt. You know I will always support you no matter what. I just felt sad that you have to leave again and even if we're not really together right now, every time I know you have to go, I always feel like you're getting farther away from me. I know you have to do this. Orders are orders. And you have my full support and all my love. I know everything will be fine :) I will do my best to stay strong for us. I am so proud of you, my sweet husband and I always will be!! I love you much more than I can even begin to tell you. You are my life, my world, my everything!! We're going to get through this :) God is always with us...

This will be hard, guaranteed. No deployment is ever easy, I guess. I think I will always dread times like this for as long as we are in the military. But I know, with my husband and God with us, I will get through this one just as I did with the first deployment. I will just keep myself busy around here. There are things for me to do ;)

We may have made plans for ourselves for this year, but God's plans are always way better. We may not understand fully everything at first or all throughout the way, but in the end, He'll let us see how things worked out for our own good - the reasons He let those things happen instead of the plans we had set for ourselves. Like what the quote that mom sent me says, "God's grace won't put you where His love won't support you", I know and believe that things will work out perfectly fine.

Getting Closer

The husband is now in a country that's just hours away from me ;) In fact, we now have the same time. It's where he'll be flying out from to get here very, very soon :)

I was awakened by a phone call this afternoon [I fell asleep reading ;)] and when I got up to answer the call and saw the number on the screen, I knew then that it was him and where he was calling me from. He told me that his days being on the ship finally had come to an end, though he is going back there tomorrow to get the rest of his stuff and to sign something regarding his leave. That's pretty much it and he'll be on his way home to me ;)

He told me he that bought a new suitcase because he didn't want to use his military duffel bag all the way here. Every time my husband travels here, he travels as a civilian and he does not show any gesture, anything that would make people suspect that he is in the military. He's so extra careful when it comes to that. Something I've already learned to grasp completely because as his wife, I am a part of it. I have my fair share in keeping this little secret as safe as possible whenever he's on travel as an ordinary citizen. I'd say it's kind of hard sometimes, especially when somebody ends up asking me what my husband does for a living and I couldn't give the right answer. It's just that, I am so proud of what he does and by hiding the truth, it makes me feel less of a Proud Military Wife that I keep saying I am. Although I can tell about his real job to close friends, there are still limitations which I completely understand. And even I, his own wife, don't know a lot about his job. My husband trusts me, but there are just some things that are meant to be kept from us. Not because they want to, but because they need to as part of their job :)

All right, so much for that...

I am just so happy that he is almost home now :) Just few more days and my soldier is finally in my arms again!!

My Soldier is Coming Home Very, Very Soon!!

I'm just so happy that in a couple of days, my husband will be home with me!! He was able to take his leave ahead of time and we're so thankful to God above for allowing this to happen. J worked so hard on having his leave request approved and God has rewarded all his efforts. I can't thank my husband enough for doing everything he did just to be with me and for us to be able to celebrate our first wedding anniversary together. Although he didn't get to have a longer time with me, at least we were given more than what he had when he came here in April-May before he left for deployment. This is such a wonderful blessing that won't be possible if God hasn't been always there for us :)

We still haven't decided where we should spend our anniversary, but we did agree that we'll talk about it when he gets here. At least, I got our plane tickets for Samar taken care of ;) I've got a story to tell about that one. I mean, what I had been through just to make sure I got us our plane tickets. I'd say, it was a test for me as to see how determined I was to get it done. And I'm thankful I beat that one. God made sure I won't give up just like that - without me fighting and doing my best to get what I needed.

Gracious, I'm so excited!! It's sometimes hard for me now to sleep at night knowing that in a couple of days, I'd be sleeping again next to the man I love the most and just the thought that I'll be waking up with him laying next to me, just gives me this joy I can never put into words. I can't wait to finally hold my soldier in my arms and just be held in his for as long as we want to. And above all, I am just happy and thankful to our Almighty Father that he's coming home safe and sound :)

I'm happy for those who will get to see their love ones, too very, very soon. They're all on their way home :) God has been so good for keeping them all safe and for guiding them while they were out there doing what they needed to do. He has never left their sides nor allowed anything bad to happen to each of them. I know not all will get to go home just yet, but I'm sure God will stay with them until they're able to. And to those who lost their loved ones out there, my prayers are with you. I know God will send them to continue looking after you, making sure you're all fine and doing well. They didn't leave us with nothing. They left us with something we'll always be grateful for and proud of - we are living a free life because of them who are willing to sacrifice their own lives for us. We will always be so proud of each of our heroes and they will always be remembered!! Thank you for fighting still for our freedom!! We can never repay you just as much, but our prayers are with you always.

A countless thank you very, very much to all soldiers out there - from a Proud Soldier's Wife :)

Uh-oh, My Bad!!

Last night, I got a bit upset right away when I saw my husband's Yahoo messenger popped online and he never messaged me!! He got disconnected at first so I thought maybe it was just the connection or something. Then, after a few seconds, he hopped online again and still it looked to me as if he ignored me though he didn't stay long because he then signed out in less than a minute.

I repelled that thought because I was avoiding to think of things against him. It wouldn't be fair, especially that he's not around to tell his side of the story. But out of my stubbornness, I got upset with him thinking he didn't even leave me with a single word to at least let me know he saw me online - that I was there. That was how I felt at the time until ...

Before I went to bed, I decided to check stuff online one last time. I had no plan on staying up late, so I said to myself, I'd check my blog only and that would be all for the night. But as I was browsing the internet, I thought I heard a tiny whisper at the back of my ear telling me to - check our Multiply account!! I was a bit indecisive if I should go on and check or not because I already was starting to feel really tired. Not to mention that sometimes, I can't open Multiply without me encountering the "Problem Loading Page" most of the time. But still, I gave it a shot. I said to myself, all right one minute - not a minute and a half, just one. The moment the page loaded up completely, the very first thing that got my attention was a post entitled, "Hello my darling wife!!!" and dated 3rd of October - that was last night and my husband wrote it!! He did come online but he got reasons I'm sure, that's why he couldn't stay longer. He just stayed long enough to leave me with this message:

Well mahal another surprise for you. I took a trip to one of the oil platforms and guess what they had internet out here so I thought I would send you another surprise message on here. I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart and your D is almost there. I can wait to spend our first year anniversary together mahal. You mean so much to me and I can't thank God enough for blessing me with you. You have completed my heart and me baby ko, thank you. I need to get off of here mahal ko but you remember how much I love you and that you are my everything and my world. I can't wait to hold you in my arms sweetpea!!! Mwah, Mwah, Mwah!!!!!!

After reading what he wrote, I felt so ashamed of myself right then and there. I wanted to berate myself for jumping into conclusions and for almost making up my mind that I wasn't going to talk to him until he called me and explained himself why he did that - ignoring me on YM. I felt so bad for thinking that way about my husband. Here I was, feeling upset about something that didn't happen, while he was out there doing his job and actually was thinking about me the whole time. He just let me know that when, during that free time that he could have just spent for himself relaxing and getting a quick rest, he chose to hop online to at least surprise me with something he knew would make me smile. For minutes, I was out of words. I was wrong and I admit my faults!! DiDi never fails to show me how much he loves me even through the smallest and simplest ways he knows. If not, then what do you think he did that for? :)

Thank you very much, ArmyWife24!!

I came across of Ate Ruby's blog one time and read one of her posts there about her going to the US Embassy with her husband to get her a Military Dependent ID. She's also a military wife; a proud wife of a US Army who is currently on deployment, too right now and a mother of a handsome little boy named, Jaden. Her husband was here for his R and R that's why they were able to get this thing done.

It caught my attention right then and there because I never had even the slightest idea that it could be possible to do so - to get a Military Dependent ID from the embassy. Even my husband didn't know about that. All the while, he thought I can only get one once I get to the States because the place where they issue IDs for military wives is there. When I told my husband about this, he was surprised, but was happy to know that if it's really possible, when he gets here, we're going there to get mine, too. So, I messaged Ate Ruby and asked her for information regarding this matter. She's so nice and kind for helping me out with some details and she even gave me a contact number to call for further inquiries. This is going to be a big help for us, especially with the paperwork application.

Ate Ruby, I can't thank you enough for your help!! Thank you immeasurably and we appreciate your help a lot. Thank you, thank you!!

I just knew it - I am Missing Him!!

I already tried getting more sleep since I only slept for like 5 hours last night, but I simply couldn't. For some reason, even the ticking sound of the clock which is even a few meters away from me, seems to be a bother. I couldn't make myself fall asleep. I tried reading. I drank a glass of milk. I even tried listening music, but none worked on me. I just laid in bed, half of my body aching to get some rest.

My husband left the ship yesterday afternoon to begin their mission. One thing about being a military wife is, sometimes, you're not told about where your husband might be at. He only gives me slight and safe ideas on his whereabouts, like the time. Other than that, I know nothing more. Of course, he would tell me but when it's already safe to do so. In between those times, I am left with no other knowledge about him, but the time and his condition.

I miss him so much - more than what I can even begin to tell. There is not a single minute that goes by that he doesn't occupy my mind, my heart and every time I close my eyes, I can see the look on his face on that night he dropped me off at the airport in Malaysia. It breaks my heart into pieces. I just can't get the look on his face out of my mind as he watch me walking away from him. Now, I wish I had more time at the airport to hold him. When he hugged me before I went inside, I never wanted to let go. Though it hurt us both just the same, we know things have to be this way for now. It won't be long, I know he'll be with me again. I would feel better right now if only I'd get to hear from him that they're okay. At least I will know they made it there safely.

"Mahal, I miss you!! Please, be safe out there. Watch your back. And like what you always tell me, never let your guard down. I will wait to hear from you later. I love you with all of my heart and may God be with you all."

It's Time to Let Go

Today, I am completely letting go of all the 'unnecessary' feelings I have in me. It's final. I am letting them go by surrendering them all to God. I will now rest in His assurance that He will make everything all right.

I just finished talking to my husband and in his email, he told me they'd be leaving to do their mission later in the afternoon. For the first time since he first told me about it, I didn't feel scared or too much worried!! I already have prayed for this and I'm still and will always be praying for them. I know that everything is totally out of anybody's control now, but God.

It's time to let go of worrying. God is in control of everything and I know He will keep each of them safe and deliver them from any harm.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Psalms 23:4 KJV

It's time to let go of fear. My husband draws his strength from that of what he sees in me. I have to stay strong for him as what he always reminds me to be. I have God with me and any moment I am afraid, I will trust in Him.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9-10 NIV

It's time to let go of crying and feeling down. Instead, I should be focusing on more important things, as what my husband would always tell me to. Crying won't do me any good. I must be tough and willing to endure whatever life throws at me. I may not be out there doing the same thing that they do, but as a wife who is standing by her husband, I know I am helping him by just being one.

Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord. Psalms 31:24 KJV

Here's a short message from my husband.

Mahal,
I need to log off sweetie and get ready for bed. I have an
early day tomorrow and we are leaving in the afternoon. I can call you
I am sure and I will hop online even if I can't with my computer. I
love you mahal and pray for our safe trip my darling wife. I love you
and your D will email you as much as he can and I will come home to
you!!! Mwah!!!!!

Reading his message no longer brought fear to my heart, but so much pride!! I know my husband is a great soldier and he's really good at what he does. I know in my heart that he will be just fine, I believe in it. With God watching over them, what is there for me to fear about?!

I am letting go of these feelings that I know will just destruct me rather than give me some peace of mind. But, I am never letting go of all the hopes that everybody will make it home safely.

Time To Do Their Mission

D told me a few days back that by next week, they'll be heading out to do mission. They will be doing now what they've gone out there for. I was like, this is it. I couldn't dig in for any right word to say to him. I was quiet for a moment. Sometimes, I'd rather not have my husband telling me about what they're going to do next or where their going to, because I can't help but worry. I always tell him over the phone to just promise me he will be safe and he will come home, every time we get to that topic. I am not saying that I am trying to avoid any of it. I am not! I have always known that it is part of his job. But, there are times I'd rather not know what they've been told to do or where their mission is taking them. In that case, even if I worry, I'd still be able to endure it.

We're almost through with deployment, but right now, it feels like we've just started. I knew this time would come no matter how I wish it never will - at least not yet - it's kind of too soon for me. I have long been preparing myself for this, but now, I don't know what happened. It's as if I'm back to the I-don't-know-anything-about-the-military stage. I feel like I'm being introduced for the very first time, to something I didn't know would be a not-so-easy-to-take-in and that I'd rather wish I never gave them any hint that I'm willing for a 'Go'. Everything I've learned and know, now looks like a blur. Is it a normal feeling for a first-timer like me dealing with my husband's deployment? Am I not overreacting to this situation? I haven't gone to any counseling or whatsoever they call it that gives briefing to those first-time-to-deal-with-deployment wives, so I know too little about the DOs and DON'Ts with regards to deployment. I may not have all the knowledge that most veteran military wives have, I know in my heart that I am doing the best I can to make this deployment so much easier for my husband to bear and live by and I may not be doing it perfectly, but I know I am dealing with it at the best of my ability, in any way I know.

As I type this, at the same time, I am exchanging e-mails with my husband. Tears are falling down my face right now but, I am not going to let him know that what he told me in his e-mail made me cry, scared me to be exact. Knowing I'm crying right now will only make him worry about me and it's the least thing I will do to him at these times - have him worrying. I know he'll get to read this when he gets home, but at least he's with me by then.

Every chance I get, I always ask God to send my messages to D. That no matter what he's doing, no matter where he may be at, he'll always feel and know how much I love him, that I miss him every moment, and I'm waiting for him to come home. I believe God surely does deliver my every message to my husband all the time - anytime, anywhere.

Please, help me pray for all of them who are out there doing their mission. Let's all keep our faith and hopes strong that God will protect them from any harm and will bring them back home to us. I could never ask for anything right now than to have my husband back in my arms. My prayer goes to all other military families who, like me are dealing with the tough times of deployment. THEY WILL COME HOME and that is very, very soon.

MAY GOD BLESS OUR TROOPS!!

My No-New-Mail Inbox

Once I finished running errands, I hurriedly ran into my room and turned on my computer. I was so excited with the hope that my husband would have already replied to my e-mails, only to be disheartened with what I saw - NO NEW MAIL, only Spam ones!! My heart sank right then and there. I couldn't take my eyes off the screen. For about a minute, I was staring blankly at it wishing for it to do magic trick and an e-mail from him would suddenly pop up. But, nothing!! There is really no magic, is there?!

I don't know what else to say right now. I am worried to its highest level, though I know God is in charge of them and He will deliver them from any harm. But still, as a human and as a wife, I couldn't stop worrying especially that I don't know what is going on over there right now. I don't know if they were told to do something and he couldn't tell me about it. That could be possible. But if only at least I have even the slightest idea of his whereabouts, maybe I wouldn't be this worried. I hope it's just because the internet and phones are down on the ship that's why he couldn't even send me en e-mail or call me. Other than those I mentioned, I don't know any other reason that I haven't heard from him for 2 days now. But I'll just be right here, waiting. If I have to stay up again just to make sure I won't miss a thing, I'd do that. Right now, I am praying. My mind and heart are both preoccupied with the longing to finally hear back from him.

Worrying

I wasn't able to get enough sleep last night for several reasons. I have been worrying since yesterday about where my husband could be at. I know he's out there doing his job. But what I'm trying to say is, he hasn't left me a single email the whole day yesterday and even today I still haven't gotten any from him. I already knew that certain circumstance like this happens, I just can't help but worry. It scares the wits out of me when I don't get to hear something from him. I tend to get restless and I can't focus properly on the things I am doing. My husband sends me a dozen e-mails a day and we would exchange e-mails for a period of time before he would get off of the computer to continue on whatever he was doing before he sat there and talked to me. Not receiving any from him worries me, especially when I don't get to know if he's all right or not. It's one of those few reasons I never will not worry about him no matter how many times he assures me that everything is under control, that I have nothing to really worry about. It's not going to happen.

I just laid in my bed last night, reading a novel to keep myself awake because I didn't want to miss the chance of talking to my husband and ask him how everything went and I've been wanting so bad to hear his voice, too. He told me the other day that he would call me and that was supposed to be yesterday, but no phone call from him last night, either! You'll never know unless you're in my shoes, how it feels like to have a husband who is deployed telling you he'd call you or send you an e-mail but never got to do any of those. That's when a lot of questions start to spring up and as much as I hate entertaining them, I can't help it. I do my best not to worry too much about him and not to show him any sign of me being like this because I know he'd worry, too and I don't want to cause him any reason to feel worried about. But, I am a wife whose husband is out there on a deployment and for two days I haven't heard anything from him!! How would you expect me to react on this matter? I'm trying my hardest right now to forestall myself from crying because I know it won't help me in any way but make me feel worse. I just want to hear something from him so bad that it's crushing me from within. Even a short note right now telling me he's fine would be a great relief for me. I just want to know my husband is all right.

In times like this, I just comfort myself with the thought that he's probably just busy doing important stuff and that he'll get to me whenever he gets the chance as he knows I worry a lot about him and he doesn't like that. There are times that this thought doesn't work for me and when I get the feeling that it's starting to get in to me, I pray to God for comfort, for guidance and for Him to look after my husband and everybody he is working with. That's the only thing that keeps me sane when I no longer could bear it on my own. And I find solace in these verses I always read when I feel I'm at the verge of worrying.

Faith is the Perfect Antidote for Worry

• Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. - Matthew 6:34 NIV
• Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. - Psalm 23:4 KJV
• Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you: He will never allow the righteous to be shaken. - Psalm 55:22 NASB
• Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. - Psalm 62:8 NIV
• Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole. - Matthew 9:24 KJV

God's Message Is Clear: Don't Worry, Be Faithful

• Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. - Matthew 11:28-30 NIV
• Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. - John 14:1 KJV
• An anxious heart weighs a man down…. - Proverbs 12:25 NIV
• Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid…. - Isaiah 12:2 KJV
• Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. - Proverbs 3:5-6 KJV
• Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is life not more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life. - Matthew 6:25-27 NIV
• God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. - Psalm 46:1 KJV
• I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth. - Psalm 121:1-2 KJV.

Most of the time now, I consider myself as a blatant fusspot to the point that I am already overreacting. I don't know if it's wrong, but when it comes to my husband, that's how I worry about him. I wasn't like this before I got married. I worry too little because I only had myself to think and take care of. But, it's a different story now. My husband always comes first and it's always a great relief for me when I get to hear from him and most especially when I know he is all right. Nothing can ever make me happier and more relieved than knowing he is doing fine out there, wherever he may be at at this very moment.

I just left him e-mails and I'm hoping I'd hear from him this time. I just need to run some errands around here and I will check my inbox the moment I get back.

Mahal, I'm waiting to hear from you. Please, be safe for me my Sweet Angel. I love you with all of my heart!!

A Military Wife's Prayer

(click on the photo for a larger view)

Here's something I found while looking for stuff on Photobucket. It touched my heart after I read it, so I thought, why not share it with the rest of you out there who, like me, have their husbands gone on a deployment and to those who will find this as touching as I did :)

To those whose husbands are on deployment right now, hang in there ;) They'll be back soon before we know it!! Let's just continue to pray for them, remain strong for them, and stand beside them no matter how tough things turn out to be. After all, we are Military Wives!! What is there that we cannot surpass?! :)

From A Military Wife to a Military Wife, YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB JUST BY EVEN STANDING NEXT TO YOUR HUSBAND!! It means the world to them..

May God bless each and everyone one of us!!

Counting Down the Days

It's been 97 days now since my husband, John left on a deployment. It's already that long I've been dealing with him having to be far away from me because of his job. And I miss him terribly!! Every night, every morning, I long to feel him next to me. I cry if it's already too much to bear, when I miss him so bad and it already hurts. It's not wrong to cry. It's not a sign of weakness, either. For me, I cry because of the emptiness and longing that I feel in my heart every time I want to hold him close to me but he's not around. I always long to hear his voice, but there's no way we can always talk on the phone as much as we want to. Not only that sometimes the phones are down, phone cards are quite expensive, too and we're only given so much time to talk. We survive on emails; dozens of emails a day. Though they will never fill in the sweet sound of my husband's voice and how much I love listening to it, those emails bring us closer to each other and let us know and feel the love that's keeping us strong and going at this time of our lives. It's really tough most of the time, but together, we're making it through one day after the other and after the other. I am so proud of what my husband does and for me, he is a real hero; all of them who are out there ready and willing to do their job for us. I am just saddened by the truth that we're spending more time away from each other than being together since we got married and because of that, we're missing a lot of stuff that we could have done together, days we could have spent with each other, and things that could have helped us get to know more about each other. But, nonetheless, I know we have a lifetime to do all that and that what matters more to me. I could care less about other things right now. What I constantly have in mind is, my husband and his safe return.

Being away from him crushes my heart every time. When he calls and he tells me he's not feeling well, my heart dies inside. I feel so sad that I couldn't even take care of him. I couldn't even hold him close and make him feel better. There's nothing I could do but comfort him with loving words and assurance that everything will soon be fine. More often than not, I am left still just because I feel so hurt inside and I couldn't utter a single word anymore. But there's one thing that I know I am helping him with - my prayers. He's always in my prayers and because of this distance, I cling to God through praying that He'll deliver them from harm and keep them safe till they're back in their respective families' arms. I know how powerful prayer is and it's the strongest source of strength I have right now when things get tough. And of course, my husband; his love, and the thought that we'll be back in each other's arms soon, keep me going in each and every passing day.

Wherever they may be at right now, may God be with them always.

Mahal, I love you with all of my heart and I miss you very, very much!! I can't wait for you to be home :)

A Special Birthday Card

This is just one of the many gifts my husband, John gave me on my birthday. He sent me a parcel with some other stuff he bought from the places he's been to on this deployment. What makes this card very special is, it's my very first birthday card as a "Wife" :) When I first saw the card and read what's written on the cover, my eyes welled-up with tears of joy. I couldn't even discern the exact feeling I felt that day because I was just too overwhelmed with mixed emotions.

Celebrating my first birthday as a married woman is something I consider special. For me, all my "first-time experiences" are special ;) They are experiences that only happen once in your whole life and I want to remember mine for the rest of my days and just as special as they made me feel at that particular moment in my life. They are memories that we can never go back to and even if something similar happens again, still nothing would beat the first-time-experience. I don't know if this is still within the range of sanity, but I'm just that kind of person who treasures even the simplest things in this life that I believe are worth keeping. I just love life and every single thing about it that makes it worth living.

My husband's message inside the card made me cry even more. I felt his love and sincerity in every word he wrote. I couldn't say a word while reading the whole card. For a while, I was just there sitting and staring at the card inarticulately. Deep in my heart, I was thanking God for giving me such a wonderful, loving, caring, thoughtful, and just a great husband. My heart was inundated with love and longing to hold him in my arms and to tell him how much I love him while looking straight into his eyes. In between reading and crying, I would find myself holding the card close to my heart. It was my only way of hugging him at that very moment. All I could think of the whole time was John. Looking at the card was like looking at his face and seeing him smiling right back at me. I was envisaging that he was right in front of me, holding my hands and looking straight into my eyes while telling me how much he loves me. I was missing him more than I could admit to myself. More than I could ever tell.
This is also the first card I got since he's been on deployment; my first ever "sent-from-a-deployment-card". It's not really easy to take something like this in, but I am dealing with it. I was so happy receiving a card from my husband, but knowing he's out there, at the same time, my heart was doleful. My mind was entirely with him the whole time. I was thinking and asking myself, "What's really the use of me celebrating my birthday when my own husband couldn't even be with me right now?!" But, I know he'd rather have me enjoy my time than to just sit there and worry too much. I know he's all right because God's watching over him. It's just that, I can never not be worried a hundred percent, not until I know he's just right next to me; safe and sound.

This card will always remind me that even if he was not with me to celebrate my birthday, he did make sure he's able to let me know and feel that no matter the distance, he's always with me by heart and that he really do love me. It's the smallest and simplest things he does for me that make me fall deeper in love with him everyday. He knows that what really makes me happy are the things that money can't buy. I am not after expensive gifts - big or small. You can already put a smile on my face even with a 20-peso worth of cotton candy ;) That's how shoal my happiness is. For me, simple gestures showing your sincerity and love will always be the best present I could ask for. It's always the thought that counts :)

Before I slid the card back into its envelope, I kissed it and held it close one more time while uttering, "I love you, John with all of my heart!"

A Military Wife

`The average age of the military wife/girlfriend is 20 years old.
`She isn't old enough to buy a beer, but is old enough to manage the entire household.
`She probably never saw herself loving a man who was in the military, but she loves him regardless.
`Her penmanship has improved over the last few months, due to excessive letter writing.
`She cries alot, because she misses the man she swore to love. Her life isn't complete without him.
`She looks very tired, because of her many sleepless nights either waiting for a call that never came or one that did and just because she heard his voice, she is too overjoyed to sleep.
`As a wife, she is classified as a dependent, but she is completely independent.
`She tends to her household, her kids, her school work, and her job, all without her husband.
`She manages a smile, even though inside she's crying.
`She understands that the man she loves has to go far away.
`She understand that he can be taken from her in a moments notice.
`She feels a great sense of pride and probably cries whenever she hears the National Anthem, sees a flag blowing in the breeze, or watches the news and hears about another death in Iraq, worrying that it might be him.
`She goes weeks without a call or a letter, but she writes him whenever she gets a free moment.
`She knows how to convert civilian time into military time.
`She knows how to iron his clothes and how to get the creases just right.
`Before he left she used to complain if she didn't see him for a day or two, but now she gets annoyed when she hears someone complaining about not seeing their boyfriends.
`She may not have seen him for months but she remembers everything about him, every scar he has, the way he smells, the sound of him sleeping.
`She has every picture of him and them out and in frames, she stares at them for hours on end and has read every letter he's written at least 40 times.
`Even though her man is half a world away, she manages to go on with her life, as he would want her to.
`You may not know what she looks like, but as soon as you see her you'll know that her husband is a world away without even having to speak to her.
`She's the one who's half frowning half smiling, she has at least one Support Our Troops pin that she wears and one displayed on her car.
`Half her wardrobe is based on his military branch. She never knew that could love the color camouflage, green, tan, navy blue, red or black so much.
`Next time you see her, thank her for what her and the man she loves is doing. She will greatly appreciate it and she will smile the rest of the day.