Almost Totally-Forgotten Blog

I have almost totally forgotten that I had a blog on Friendster. I created that blog in 2005 and the last entry I wrote was on the 25th of July 2007. I only remembered I have one when I saw my friendster page on my cousin's profile. I noticed that they changed the layout and background, too. It looks so much better now than before. I haven't logged on to my account for almost 3 weeks now so I don't know a lot of the new changes on Friendster's blog.

Anyway, I tried to read all the 59 entries I posted on there since 2005. Some of them are lyrics of my favorite songs, articles I found on the net, and some others that I copied and pasted just to share. Here's one entry that I would like to share. I wrote and posted this on April 20, 2007. It's not much but I hope you'd read it. I wrote it during those times I wasn't sure if whether I'll risk and fight for my feelings or just let it go and lose without fighting. It was then that I realized what God has brought right in front of me, but I was too blinded by the fear of getting hurt, that's why I almost failed to see and notice it.

When I read what I wrote once again, I thought of what I could have possibly lost if I didn't follow what my heart was telling me at the time. I was so determined to give up thinking it was the best way to protect myself from getting hurt in the future. At the time, too my past was still affrighting me that's why I couldn't trust my own feelings just yet. It took me time to finally gave in and said "God has brought us together because He knew we're perfect for each other. I know He wouldn't have brought this man into my life if only he'll cause me pain. Everything is in Your hands now, Lord."

Here's what I wrote:

I Don't Understand

April 20th, 2007

Why is it so hard to understand the most easiest thing I can ever imagine? I thought it would be just fine to let something so precious slip off your hands thinking it would be for the best. I thought it would be so easy to move on even if you know the truth that you’re leaving the biggest part of you behind. Pretending is never really an option or an excuse for anything you just want to forget the easiest way you can ever think of, nor will it be a good reason to escape something you’d rather be facing.

I say what I only think would not hurt someone. But the truth is, it’s hurting them even more. I only say what I want others to know, not what I really want them to find out. I tend to keep the words to myself rather than saying them out to the person who deserves to know them. It has been my way of trying to make things all right even with the truth that it never is going to make any difference at all. I hurt someone to avoid creating a bigger pain in the future. Now, I don’t know anymore if that decision was right or just. I just shut him out without letting him know what I exactly feel. I admit, I did that because I was scared to lose him at the same time. I wanted him to be free, yet I wanted him to be just mine which is wrong and selfish! I had never felt happiness in my entire life the kind of happiness he brought into my world. Now, I keep shutting him out, making myself believe it’s what is best for us now. But, is it really? Or just for my mind it is, but never for my heart?

I really don’t understand why I feel this way when I should be feeling otherwise. I am happy that at least now he has his freedom, but it’s making me sad and hurt at the same time. Things feel so right. I just don’t know what’s keeping and making me feel they’re so wrong!! I want to say so bad how much I want him back. But, isn’t it too late? Have I let him slip away so far enough for me to reach out to him again and pull him back to where he used to stay in my heart? Why can I no longer hear his sweet voice even though I know he’s just there? Why does his presence feel so far though I know he’s in the closest place to me than I could ever imagine - in my heart? Why do I look for him when I know he’s never been gone? Why did I let him go when all I really wanted was for him to stay forever? What is wrong with me? I don’t understand a thing anymore!!!

I’m a person who truly and honestly believe in LOVE. But, why does it seem right now that I am the very least who do? What has got in to me?

I want to move on. But how? Where do I begin? And where am I headed? It’s like I'm walking out of heaven right now.

I’m walking out of heaven out of my own free will. I realized that some things are better off letting go no matter how much we long for it to be ours forever – some things are just not meant to be.

They say, we make our own destiny and it lies from the choices and decisions we make of today. From a movie I’ve seen before, they defined destiny as not a matter of chance, but a matter of choice. It’s not a thing to be waited for; it’s a thing to be achieved. I agree with this one. Now, I am making my own destiny.

At first, I thought it would be hard to do so. I haven’t come up with this kind of decision in my entire being. Now, it’s about time for me to start making big decisions and live my life the way I should have been, a long time ago. It’s never easy, but I know I can do this! Best things are always learned the hard way. It has always been my heart’s choice which I always follow, now it has to be my mind.

How can a heart that feel and give so much love bring you so much pain? How can the sweetest thing bring you the bitterest pain? Have you ever loved someone so much in spite of the truth that the chance for you being together is so small that you’d wish sometimes you’ve just given it all up or haven’t risked anything at all? It hurts so much, doesn’t it? Would you still fight for this kind of love when you KNEW it might not end up the way you’ve always longed it to be?

I have nothing else to say but sorry to those I’ve hurt their feelings inadvertently. I know this will never be enough and it can never undo the hurt and pain. But I am helpless. I didn’t mean to hurt anybody’s feelings, I just did what I feel was right. I’d rather hurt someone at this time than make them believe of something which is no longer there and cause them a lot of pain in the future. God knows I did my best to nurture that feeling, but I believe He has a different plan, because if not, I would still be at the same place right now.

Walking out of heaven made me feel sad, but free at the same time! I will always look back to all the memories I had there. For those memories are once-in-a-lifetime and are really worth keeping.

I will always be grateful that I had seen and felt heaven on earth! No one has to be blamed why it didn’t end like those in fairy tales. I may have walked out, but I know soon, I’ll find myself walking back in again – with new set of dreams, new hope, and most of all, new Love! A love that’s stronger to stand against the test of time. A love that will surely be strong enough to stamp down what I haven’t conquered at this time. And most of all, a love that I can truly call MY OWN!