Missing my Little Angels ;(

To hug them is all I want to do right now. I miss the kids so much that it hurts. We're living in the same not-so-big apartment, but it feels worse than being far from each other. I see them every time but I couldn't go closer to them and just pick them up and hold them, because I'm afraid it will trigger a new reason for my sister to keep them more farther away from me. Yes, they're keeping the children away from me since that incident happened. They're using them to hurt my feelings on purpose because they know they're my weakness. I don't know what I did for them to act the way they're acting right now. Things are just pretty ridiculous around here and if I give in to their 'game', I'd be worse than what they are now. They're so good at a game that I don't even want to play!! Good heavens, I no longer care about them, but the kids. They had pushed me far enough to ever want to go back to the once life as it was when things weren't this bad yet. They obviously shut me off so, why would I push myself too hard to make things fine when they don't even want to make any move to better things, in the first place? I have done my part. I can't simply do it all alone. But they chose to continue on playing their harebrained game that who knows what's going to be their prize in the end. If not for the children, I would never dare to even want to see them anywhere around me anymore. What else could be more worse than the fact that we're living under the same roof?

Today, I saw Rhecia and I wanted so badly to pick her up and carry her and play with her just like before - but they were around. There was nothing I could do but watch her from a distance. My heart ached for wanting to hold her so badly. She loves to run towards me and throw me her cute, little warm hugs and she ends it with sweet kisses every time. I miss my little Squeaky Shoes! Haniel, on the other hand, being old enough to do and decide on small things on his own, comes to me when I'm around him. That's something they couldn't stop him from doing because he simply won't let them. He would do things to get your attention and he will approach you for a short conversation about his "Super Hero" buddies and just how he loves imitating them, especially Spider-Man. Small stuff like those somehow can break the ice that's separating me from his family right now, even for only a short moment. He and his little sister are the only reasons I still have somewhat a little respect left for their folks. Call me a bad person right now, but that's the reality behind all these bunk conflicts. Sometimes, I'd sit there and ask myself if only I am just too mad that's why I get to say these hurtful words. Am I being mean? I'm afraid that by being like this right now just because I want to protect myself from the same pain I had been through before, along the way this is who I'll become. I know better. I know myself. I can't stay up mad at a person for more than a day, unless I have enough reason to - just like now - and it rarely happens. In all my 23 years, I could count with my fingers the times I stayed up mad for more than a day, with this one included. Half a day is even too long for me to stay upset over something. I don't know the exact depth of pain it has caused me and I sure have no idea how hurt they are right now. But I do know that the pain was enough for her to hate me this much and for her to set aside the fact that I am not just 'somebody else', but her sister.

I just miss the kids, no other reasons kept back. As crazy as it may sound, but I'm waiting for the day to come when the two of them need to go out to do something important, leaving the kids at home with their nanny so I could spend more time with them. I miss baby-sitting Poopette [Rhecia] and I miss Baba [Haniel] barging in to my room and scattering my stuff. I miss scolding him for wanting to climb up and down my bed and swinging around holding on to the tiny bars, pretending he is Spider-Man Black ;) I miss their laughter; just the sweet sound of their voices when they call me. I don't understand why all this ever happened. I'm just glad they're still too young to really get the picture of what's been going on and that they don't know yet what it's like to really get hurt emotionally. I just hope they'll never forget how much I love them even if we don't get to spend time together right now; that I will always be here to protect them. I hope they feel how much I am missing them and how badly I want to hold them in my arms again.