Now I can say, I feel better!!

In the past few days, something has been bothering me. It had me feeling uneasy most of the time. I wanted to talk about it and let it out, but every time I tried to, I ran out of words. It was as if something so strong has pulled my tongue down to my stomach just so no words could come out of my mouth. I couldn't sleep well either for nights because of thinking about it. I knew that the only way for me to set myself free from being daunted is, to talk about it and slop it out. That's what I just did last night. When D called me, I nervously told him about the issue. I was so scared he'd be upset with me, but to my astonishment, he even said words of comfort to lift me up. He knew I was so down and feeling so discouraged. A lot of things had happened around here and some are just too much for me to bear alone right now. I need my husband so bad! I wanted to tell him about this first that's why I was so disruptive that I couldn't talk it out to somebody to make me feel better. I waited for this chance to be able to open up to him without feeling anxious and scared of his possible reactions once he comes to know about the problem. With all the courage I have left in me, I told D everything. He listened to me and gave me enough time to talk. I told him about some problems I am facing right now with regards to my studies. It saddened me knowing that it also has made him feel sad. There are some things I just can't seem to empathise right now. Everything started out fine, until I found out that my name never appeared in the list of students' group rotation schedule posted on the bulletin board. When I asked somebody from the Nursing Department, she told me to wait for it as they'll just post it on there. I did as I was told. But, as the weeks passed by and still no news about my rotation schedule, I went to check the bulletin board again to see it they already happened to post my name in the list. To my dismay, I didn't find it. It was not in the list; it has never been in it. My heart sank as if I've been tossed by enormous waves and never left me until I had totally capsized. I couldn't believe what I saw. Prelim period was way past and midterms already started but yet, they never included my name in the list; not once. I know its possible outcome - even if you just miss one rotation, that could mean failure if your lecture's final grade is at the brink of its passing score. How much more if you've missed the entire rotations? Even if they said that we can do make-up duty by the end of the semester, still it wouldn't be fair enough and we have paid for it. I don't want to be charged again for doing make-up rotations when I haven't had used any of the suppose-to-be-my-rotation-schedules for the whole semester. That would be unjust!

After we've talked, we came up with a resolution. But at the moment, we still are taking some other things into consideration; my family first and foremost. Because now, no matter what, initial and final decisions will come from me and my husband especially when it concerns about us and our future. We're praying that God will lead the way for us, and that He'll guide me in this path I'm about to take. I feel like I am going to a battlefield with no other armor in hand than a determined heart to win obstacles over. I want to grow and learn new things, but I have started to grow the feeling that I am not going to find it here; I have to try a new path, learn new things, take new risks, and start all over again. I am just so grateful that I have a husband who's there to back me up and support me in whatever I want to do with my life at this stage. I am in the middle of a predicament - I am confused, disquieted, and kind of lost. I am at the stage of finding myself again and trying to reach deeper into me hoping to have back what I have lost all those times - myself. It weakens me whenever I think of the times I had wasted for I know I can never have them back. In the mean time, I'll focus on other important things that need to be taken care of. I'm just glad that at least I was able to tell my husband about my problem. I feel so much better now!!

All I can hope for now are, a better me and a path that I can be sure would take me to a better future that I've been dreaming of my whole life; not just for me, but above all, for our family. I already have surrendered everything unto God in prayers. I am now patiently waiting for His turn to work His will in me as I do my part in this story.